Natwerk Designs - HEY GUYS DO YOU LIKE THIS STORY??? EDITING?

HEY GUYS DO YOU LIKE THIS STORY??? EDITING?

Hey guys meredith here! Okay so I was wondering if you like my story (not mine my lil sisters, its a project she has to do for english she is in the 5th grade and just saying she will be reading your comments so answer your comments/criticisms NICELY as possible) THANKS I walked in the door cutting off the harsh wind. I put down my backpack and slowly took off my scarf and coat. Walking into the kitchen I heard my brother Dylan say, “Hey” I jumped, “Gosh Dylan that scared me, what are you doing home?” “I missed school today” He replied looking through the sports section of the newspaper. Doesn’t really surprise me, Dylan skipping school. He was never really into school. He is in 12th grade now and I highly doubt he will graduate. He was excited when he got a D on his last History test. “Where’s mom?” I asked looking in the pantry for something to eat. I forgot my lunch today, again. “I don’t know” I found a half opened box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Looking around the kitchen for a note my mom might of left I found a picture of Dylan and some girl. “Whose this?” I said Dylan looked up “who?” I walked over and showed him the picture. “Oh that’s my new girlfriend, Abigail or Abby, pretty hot right?” Its true the girl was pretty but it was weird I’ve never seen her before. “How come I haven’t met her?” I said poring the mac and cheese into the pot of boiling water. I waited a while for a response. “Dylan?” I finally said. “Hailey geez I am trying to read! You always bother me with all your stupid problems you little brat!” I left him alone for a while to let the guilt sink in. “Hail I’m sorry, you know how I get when I miss school… Mom and Dad yell I get stressed…” I walked over to him and gave him a hug. “Its fine Dyl, I’ll cover for you.” He hugged me back, “Thanks” Now I guess you could say my brother and I have an awkward relationship. We love each other a lot, but we fight a lot too. “Oh do you have track today?” Dylan asked. I stirred the cheese into the pasta, lifting up the spoon watching the mucky mac and cheese droop from the spoon. “Yea, are you taking me?” He nodded standing up and stretching. My phone rang its annoying ring tone. I really need to change that… my little sister changed it and I have just been too lazy to change it back. This is just the biginning of the story, it is supposed to include them going back in time and learning about I think Martin Luther King Jr.

Public Comments

that was cute, and really good for a 5th grader! is there some prompt that she was supposed to be writing about, because theres not really any subject, but its nice, its a short story that gives a brief summary about your family and the siblings relationship AND, if the teacher complains about her using the first person, tell your sister to quote the great Henry David Thoreau, who said, "We commonly do not remember that it is, after all, always the first person that is speaking". lol, that will be funny
so nice hope to get an A
Ok, I'm your sister's age, and I can write better than that. It's a nice story, but she needs to not ramble enough. She also needs to paragraph things. Also don't tell every single thing with in the first paragraph, it just makes it look bad and it's actually pretty good. But, fifth graders can write way better....I know because I do....
It's good, but remember, when a new person talks, it should be on a new line.
Really good! But to improve it and get an A* I would suggest describing everything and upleveling the words say or said. And add metaphors and personification. Really good.
it's really good! but i think instead of telling us about her and her brother's weird relationship, show us. the writing is really good though, honestly! also, just a grammar helper here, after a sentence in dialogue that doesn't have a period, question mark, or exclamation point, use a comma. for example in his sentence instead of: He hugged me back, "Thanks" it should be He hugged me back, "Thanks." and in another sentence instead of “I missed school today” He replied it should be "I missed school today," he replied