Natwerk Designs

am i good at writing?

hello i am new to writing storys but i only want to do it if im good here part of my first one its not long but i think its good what do you guys think, im not going to make this one much longer but if you guys like it im going to write a novel alot longer one around 250 pages Larger than Earth, the ship called the Metal-City the ship, is the first city-ship, a city that is a giant spacecraft. All of it's eighty thousand citizens are on board. The ship is made from a metal called Urantitverium, the hardest substance ever created, an alloy of uranium, titanium, silver and plutonium. Urantitverium is colored purple so the ship does not need painted, Urantitverium is also one of the lightest metals. The Metal-City, can go to speeds of seven hundred space miles an hour, one space mile is around twenty-four light-years. The fastest ship ever created except for the war ship called The Barbarian. The ship is greatly larger than earth but only carries eighty thousand people as it is heading from Jupiter, to the planet Deminis a planet which is filled with many people and is running out of space. The mission for Metal-City is to take many people and fill its living quarters with Deminian. After the ships living quarters is filled it will search for a new planet with a livable atmosphere and transport vital resources for the Deminians to build colonies on the new planet. The ship for it's size is extreamly easy to maneuver in space, the only flaw is that if an asteroid belt is near the ship has to go around it, it is so large it can not go straight through. The ships technology is far advanced to other ships, it has the technology to transport people to other regions of the ship, it even has the technology to create holograms of people, that have never lived, the holograms are just like real people but do all the difficult work, the holograms teach in the schools, they clean the ship, they repair the robots, they do all the work nobody wants to do. In the ship people work in many doing hundreds of different jobs, such as designing new technology's in the lab, navigating the ship and one of the most important jobs is keeping the hologramatic server working, The hologramatic server is a computer that makes sure the holograms are working and that they don't commit mutiny. Some people work alongside the holograms, there are currently twelve thousand different holograms all with their own personality and each with their own unique strengths and weaknesses. The Metal-City started being built in the year 2067 and was finished in the year 2390. It took many years and many millions of Seed, Seed is the universal currency released in 2045. The ship has many defenses such as force field, a field that protects the ship from almost anything. The ship has lasers that can melt chemicals that have melting points so high that they have never before been seen in liquid state. The ship also has a system for stealing information from other ships which is vital in defense against more advanced ships. If the ship is in a lot of trouble smaller ships called eagles can be released, the eagles have strong lasers and can move at speeds that make the Metal-City look small. The Eagles are not just used for fighting they are also used for scouting in areas that are uncharted or where star-pirates may be hiding. There are twenty Eagles, each of them run by a hologram so no human life may be lost if a crash happens. The Eagles have rarely been used for fighting, mostly for when a rogue asteroid is heading for the ship and the ship would not be able to move fast enough. The ship has many entertainments features on ship such as cinema, bars and many other recreational elements. The ship has many doctors and nurses all very well educated. The doctors and nurses are not just people but also holograms who have an extra brain chip in their hologramatic file. The ship is slowly making its journey to Deminis, it is now heading through a dark sunless area of space, this area is known for star-pirates. “Navigation Commander Tyra, why have you taken us into this part of space, we are no where near Deminis?” Shouted Captain Davis, Captain Davis is the Captain of Metal-City and has the highest authority on board the ship. “Because Capitan Davis, we are not heading to Deminis anymore i am taking control of the ship!” said Navigation Commander Tyra. After that was said Tyra took out a knife and stabbed the Captain in the neck, he was dead. Tyra then said to everyone over the loudspeaker. “I have found the Captain dead, as the second person with the second highest authority on the ship i will be taking place as Captain, and i have some new people coming on board the ship, they are in this sector you will treat them like you treat everyone else here!” Commanded Tyra A group of friends are in the prison area of the ship, they are not prisoners, they are hiding as they do not work on the ship. The group of friends is one hologram wh can you explian infodump a bit more and do you think i should take some writing classes

Public Comments

1. You can't expect to be a brilliant writer when you first start. Like playing the piano, it takes time and work and practice and experience and devotion. But if you apply yourself and keep working on it, you can get better and better.
2. You infodump alot, ie give us backstory. You don't need that. :) Keep at it. Try to 'show' us the story, not 'tell' it. In a few years, you'll be a great writer. I see raw talent in this. You just need to get some experience in. :)
3. What you have done is summarized. You have pretty much written out in "laundry list" format what the ship is and what it does for about three to four paragraphs. It is in essence an info dump and no reader likes them even when they are done with finesse (which this is not). * - Iit is difficult to determine if you have a decent writing style. You make some grammatical mistakes and the writing is bland and simple but what more do you need when you profile a variation of 'Battlestar Gallatica' or a 'Starfleet' ship. In this case despite all of your discriptors I didn't 'believe' in your world. You didn't suspend my believe in reality except to make me think of other ships/writing/shows. * - Worse yet was Commander Tyra. How is it that the 'Navigation Commander' is second in command. Seems like that is putting the cab driver in charge. Normally a Captain has a 'Second in Command'. (You know like President and then Vice President) The VP doesn't have a separate job title as he has to give it up should something happen to the Pres. Similarly you don't want to lose someone specifically trained in Navigation or weapons or communications to be removed if something happens to your Captain. * - It is also odd that she isn't on 'deck' when the Captain asks about their course (let alone the fact that he's just noticing means he should have been fired light years ago). I mean from your writing I'm guessing they are alone somewhere. * - Next Tyra's plan sort of sucks. Unless she has a mutinous crew on her side already it is doubtful that no one is going to notice the 'extra friends' down in the prison area of the ship. And her announcement first seems to indicate they are going to pick them up and then the second statement seems to indicate they are hidden on the ship. OK BIG PROB. Anyone hiding on a ship is suspicious from the start ESPECIALLY on the heels of the Captains murder. (which it is a murder because it isn't made to look like suicide or accident) * - The writing technique in the dialogue passages is awkward at best. It moves at odds with the story because up until now there isn't one. You drop a name then a description then there is an out of sequence action because your reader knows nothing about the character.... All in all you need to work at it still. Watch and read some Star Trek fan fiction/novels/shows/movies. Just to get a feel for this type of thing. If you already have then now you need to study it more closely.
4. It was a good try for a first time writer. As a writer myself (unpublished right now) I remember what it was like when I first started writing it was awkward and a little undone. It is that way with everything new. I am still learning by doing. You shouldn't say that if no one likes what you write you won't do it anymore. Here is a little advice write firstly for your self. Here is a quote I sometimes look at "Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. -- Cyril Connolly" If you love to write then write purely for that passion. The other ones that answered had very good advice. My further advice is that your story reads more like notes which you might need. Take a notebook or pad of paper and write down your main characters and where they live (Of course the Metal-City) but where were they before? Give thorough discriptions of the characters. Think about your neighbors or people on the street, your family or strangers at the store or restaurant. Make your characters real people with real emotions, beliefs, feelings, sayings just like those around you. Think and take notes on the characters until you are so sick of them LOL. Next write about Metal-City in less a discriptive way. In your notes be as descriptive as you want but the story needs less description or bring in the description slowly not all as once with details. And trust me everyones work lacks a polished look at first. But through time, patience and years of blood, sweat, and tears (*Dramatic I know*) you will have a manuscript you can look at and be proud of. I can't tell you if you need classes but you can take a dozen classes on writing but really I always say it comes down to heart. Are you willing to spend years writing, is the world you have created in your mind just bugging you to put it down on paper so to speak. If so then writing is what you should do. Stick with it and have fun. And remember write for yourself first and foremost. - Cass