Natwerk Designs

Chapter 1 and 2, Any good?

I know they are short but Im gna have ALOT of chapters. Are these any good? Chapter 1 My mother came in to my room violently slamming my door shut behind her. “Karmen Drake what is the matter with you! You little brat!” she screamed. “What did I do mom? Huh? What?” I replied knowing what I was getting myself into. “You have no potential Karmen! Face it!” she barked at me. I think she was drunk because she wouldn’t tell me what I screwed up on… She whipped her hand across my face as hard as she possibly could. “You deserved that you good for nothing freak of nature!” my mom said shaking her hand as if her smacking my face hurt her hand as well. “ Mom!” I cried. I pulled my hand to my cheek which was burning with pain. My mom started to laugh for no reason what so ever. “ Kyle is downstairs so stay up here or I’ll break your nose, got it?” “Whatever”, I grunted. The burning on my cheek lessoned but was still very noticeable. I sat on my bed teary eyed. The light squeezed itself through my blinds and I enjoyed the warmth. I grabbed a locket given to me by my father. He passed away 6 years ago and I only have one picture of him which is in this locket. I felt it’s surface with my thumb, the design had an unusual texture to it and I loved it. The bumpy, wrinkled feeling reminded me of my fathers uniqueness. His smile was always uneven but still brighter than any celebrities. His hair was fun and curly and bounced with him when we jumped on our old trampoline. Then my dad got brain cancer and went bald. I still loved him though. He goofed around and said his head was smoother than a babies bottom. My dad’s luck ran out November 4th, and it devastated me. Now I am stuck with my alcoholic, abusive mother. She stabbed my hand and then told the doctor I fell on a rake. Because of her is why I’m in my room. Her boyfriend is down there, and he doesn’t know I exist. She doesn’t want him to know, she says I’m a disappointment, a failure, a mistake. Maybe that’s why she’s so abusive, maybe she is trying to get rid of me… Chapter 2 I wished I could get away, you know, find someone that doesn’t have anger issues. My cheek felt much better but was still red. I took a deep breath and shook the thought away about mom wanting to kill me. I walked over to the vent which was right over the kitchen, since I have no television I need some entertainment. When she is with Kyle, she is so fake. I laid down and rested my ear against the cold metal vent. “I’m sorry Kyle, we have rats upstairs, just checking the traps” my mom said in an innocent tone. “ You want me to help you get rid of em’?” he offered. “ Oh no dear, I wouldn’t want to be a burden. I can deal with them varmints myself.” she said quickly. “ Ok hun, since we are alone you want to…” he said slowly. I pulled my ear away, I didn’t want to hear anything else. I looked around my room, it is messy since my mother had a fit. She got mad at me because when she made me cook supper, I forgot to put ice in her lemonade and a single piece of basil next to her sandwich. She came up here and threw my clothes all over and knocked my lamp over. Then she pushed me into my mirror. I had glass in my back and she just laughed. I don’t know why she does this to me. She says I need to be institutionalized for being screwed up but at least I don’t push kids into mirrors, and slap them, and threaten them, push them, and stab them in the hands. She’s crazy. The thought that she was trying to kill me snuck back into my thoughts. I cringed at the idea and laid down to rest. I woke up to a hard pounding on my door. “Karmen! Seth called! Karmen! You, you ignorant beast! Call your poor friend, I’m surprised you got friends Karmen!” she hollered through the door. “Ok mom! Why not?” I said not thinking. She barged in my room and punched me in the stomach. “What was that for? I’m going to call the police mom!” I cried as the air rushed out of me. “You call them and they will find you dead in the oven!” she screamed. She pushed the picture of Grandma Ida off the desk and it shattered. My eyes stared at my mom in horror, “Was she gonna kill me?”, I wondered. “ You remember that devil”, she called leaving my room. She never said anything like that to me, my heart raced, and I was terrified, terrified for my life.

Public Comments

1. Some grammatical errors. Too short to have a proper plot yet. However, it is a good start. Some of the descriptions are rather odd though. My fan fiction: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881614/1/Of_Time_and_Eternal_Passion
2. I agree with the previous person. There are some grammatical issues. Good start though.
3. there are a few grammatical errors but i like it.... i wonder whats gonna happen next!