Natwerk Designs

Can someone please read the first two paragraphs of my short story and give me some feedback?

“Before I reveal who the murderer is, let’s go over the details,” Noah said with a devious smile across his face. “The victim, Harry Jennings, was shot twice and killed in this office at about 1:00 PM. According to his secretary, Ms. Brant, Jennings was supposed to meet an actor for his or her audition today. Is that correct Ms. Brant?” “Yes,” she answered quietly, avoiding eye contact. “Ms. Brant did not know if the was male or female, with the only description being that they weren’t not born in this country and were most likely a foreigner. Since this office is on the ninth floor and the half of the elevators are out of order today, the culprit has three options. One, he or she can walk down the stairs, which will take a while. Two-” (If I haven't caught you're attention by this paragraph, please stop reading and tell me what I can fix) “Wait, Noah? Sorry to interrupt, but why didn’t the culprit just take the elevator? It would have been easier to blend in with a huge crowd,” questioned Captain McDonald. “Jennings was shot when they were sitting across from each other, which is about a distance of two feet. From there, some gunshot residue has to be found on the culprits clothes. The gun powder can also leave a stench in his or her clothes, which someone will easily notice in a crowded elevator,” Noah explained. Noah’s detective abilities amazed me. We were both high school seniors and yet he seemed to have intelligence far greater than most world class detectives. “As I was saying before, number two, he or she can blend in at one of the restaurants or stores anywhere above or below this floor. And lastly, he or she can hide in one of the bathrooms or changing rooms and hide the murder weapon and clothes they were wearing when they committed the crime. As you probably all know, the movie The Phantom Slayer is premiering here in San Francisco tonight. I found out later from Inspector Lee that the actors starring in the movie were staying at the Baker hotel, which occupies the twentieth floor and above. This explains the extra police presence and why we were able to find our three suspects. Is that correct officers?” asked Noah. “Yes,” replied the officers simultaneously. “Luckily, I was eating at the restaurant below with my father and John when I heard about this case from Captain McDonald. I immediately asked for the officers to check the identifications of everyone and question all the foreigners that spoke English. According to Ms. Brant, Jennings was looking for a foreigner that spoke English to play a role in his upcoming movie. Our police officers have found three suspects fitting the description. The first one is Lukas Peterson who is here on a business trip. Inspector Lee found him eating at the same restaurant as me, my father, and John. The second is Wakana Takashimi, who claims to be here visiting family members. Inspector St. Clair found her at one of the book stores on twelfth floor. Then there is Fernando Arroyo who Lieutenant Fisher found at a clothing store,” Noah explained. “Wait, Noah? Can’t we just check the script to see what type of ethnicity the character in the movie was?” asked Lieutenant Fisher. “As you can see, there are numerous amounts of movie scripts on his desk and in his cabinets. I’m sure there are roles fitting each one of our suspects,” replied Noah. “Ms. Brant found the body at 1:30 when she was returning from lunch, but she will still be considered a suspect. When I first arrived at the crime scene, I immediately notice that his planner,” Noah said while pointing at a small book with the top page tore out in an evidence bag. “There was blood on the sides of the book, but not on the top page. This meant the culprit removed Jennings’s dying message before escaping. But thanks to forensics, we found out from the indentations on the page beneath that his planner read bring my tux,” said Noah. “So that was his dying message?” questioned Lieutenant Fisher. “Actually, no. He had written that before his meeting with the culprit. I confirmed that with Mrs. Brant. He was having dinner with some friends tonight and that message was to remind Ms. Brant to pick up his tuxedo later.” “But why did the culprit rip out the page if it wasn’t a dying message?” asked Captain McDonald. “Well you see, the culprit shot Jennings once in the body. Before the culprit left, he or she noticed Jennings had a pen in his hand and was attempting to leave a message behind. The culprit shot Jennings again and tore the page from the planner before fleeing.” “Wait, that means-” exclaimed Captain McDonald. “Yes, the culprit is……

Public Comments

1. Much better than the crap I usually see on this website. I normally don't like mysteries, but I was definitely intrigued with this. Other than a few minor grammar errors, (at one point you said "weren't not") you're fine. Good job, and happy writing.
2. That is pretty good! There are a few minor typographical errors and extraneous words, but all things considered it's quite well done. You should be proud of this work. There is one pet peeve of mine which I would like to point out. Never use the phrase "that the". For Example, in paragraph 7 you wrote: "I found out later from Inspector Lee that the actors... I suggest revising it to: I found out later from Inspector Lee, the actors starring... Like I said, minor things. Generally, you have done a fine job!
3. I liked it until you mentioned they are seniors, which makes the story to me seem unrealistic.
4. From the beginning only: I refuse to believe that a secretary wouldn't know if the person who called for an appointment was male or female. They'd have to get a name. Also, "with the only description being that they weren’t not born in this country and were most likely a foreigner." What? If someone is not born in this country they ARE a foreigner by default. They aren't "most likely" a foreigner. They just are. It is interesting enough for me to read on, though a pretty stock mystery opening. If anything, I'd read on to find out why the secretary didn't have information on this person who had the appointment. On to the rest: It is interesting, though I don't usually like mysteries. A bit bland, to tell the truth. I'm not sure why any police force would let a teenager in on a murder scene, but that can be overlooked for fictional purposes. :) Another inconsistency is him saying the culprit couldn't take the elevator because he would stink of gunpowder residue, but that he could easily blend in to a shop or restaurant. I admit I know nothing about how much spent gunpowder smells, but if he smells one place, he would smell another. The restroom description fits better. I vote, 'definite potential' on this story. I would just suggest you spice it up a bit with some actions instead of simply a near-monologue from this teenage detective guy.