Natwerk Designs

opinions on the beginning of this chapter?

just revised the beginning of one of the chapters I am writing for my book, I would appreciate you honest opinions and suggestions. Thanks :) The following morning Isla suffered from the excruciating pain of an acute migraine, she refused to even open her eyes in hopes of sleeping off the terrible throbbing sensation. It was not unusual for Isla to be the victim of a severe headache, but it was not only her head that was being bothersome. In fact, her whole body ached from head to toe. Her stomach was disturbed with nausea, her shoulders were tense and her entire lower body felt so sore it was as if she had been run over by a car; especially in the groin region. Her symptoms were like she had a bad case of the flu that had escalated beyond the common cold and the pain was so intolerable it was all that consumed Isla’s mind. Isla battled with these terrible aches and pains for what seemed to be an hour. Without any luck of being relieved, she finally gave up and opened her eyes. The image that met Isla’s gaze would forever change her life. Her eyes had fixed upon what seemed to be a dimly lit box, with two decently sized windows on each side of her that were tinted black. “Oh my God,” she shuddered in horror. Only a faint mumble could be made out of her voice, leading her to the discovery that there must be something covering her mouth like some sort of gag. She closed her eyes in disbelief. This had to be an awful nightmare; it was all too bizarre to be true. When her eyes re opened they saw the same situation as they had five seconds ago. “Oh my God, Oh my God,” she repeatedly shrieked in horror. She felt her arms being held tightly together behind her back (which explained her tense shoulders) as she struggled to set them free, she also took notice of her legs which were tied together with coarse rope as well. It took a few moments for the realization to hit her. She laid there in a daze as she tried to make sense of her recent innovation, hoping it would some how go away. “Help!” she began to scream as loud as she could, but there was no use in using her voice that couldn’t possibly be heard by anyone outside. She began kicking the walls and windows of this strange box, having to use both of her long legs in unison like a mermaid. The box could not have been any more then four feet high five feet wide and six eight feet in length. Had she gone delusional? She wished that were the case but this had become all too real. Feelings of fear and confusion overwhelmed Isla’s mind which lead her to vomit only inches away from her. She felt extremely dizzy, so dizzy that she was afraid she was going to lose consciousness at any moment. Where was she? Why was she there? And how did she get there? Isla frantically attempted to revive her memory, hoping for some sort of answer. She relived the night step by step numerous times in her memory, trying to trigger something that would give her an explanation. The only memory that she could salvage was her argument with Jack, but even that was a little hazy and still didn’t explain her current situation. She tried to remain calm, trying to keep her mindset positive but there was no way to make light of the circumstances. What had she gotten herself into? Isla wished her arms were untied so she could smack herself for her own stupidity. She came to the conclusion that she was being held hostage,( and due to the immense pain in her groin possibly even raped) she didn’t know why, how or even who could have committed this sick crime, but it had to be a direct result of the argument. If she hadn’t been so stubborn she would have woken up next to Jack, not on the ground of this dingy box. Isla was too shocked and confused to even shed a tear of her fear. Maybe a little part of her didn’t fully believe this was really happening, but with each kick of her legs a stabbing pain pulsated through her groin. The pain was too harsh for her to even continue to kick, but she was not done putting up a fight. She was lucky enough to even be alive and she was determined to find answers. She struggled to hoist herself up of the rough black ground into a sitting position to peer out of the window to her left. There it was; the highway. It all made sense now; she was in the back of a moving car driving to the destination that would arrange her fate. She began to think of how many times Jack must’ve called her phone, wondering where she was as much as she did herself.

Public Comments

1. Well, well: not bad at all! I just noticed you say something obstruct her mouth. Yet, she can shriek and even vomit. To me, you wait too long before revealing it takes place in the back of a car. It falls "flat". I would have preferred to know it from the beginning and observe how much time it took Isla to understand. I believe it could be made more "vivid" with hints about smells, heat and lights (or the absence of light). Maybe you could start with her dreaming something harrowing which would then dissolve into the truth. Maybe it's due to it being written in a question, but I also felt the paragraphs were too long (but the first one, which I really like, except for the last sentence, which I had to read twice!).