Natwerk Designs

Is this a good beginning to a story?

I am 14 and completely in love with writing.. could you tell me if this is a good start to a story???................. They say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die, but mine streaks across my mind right when my dream starts getting good. It is almost like I am not supposed to have a good dream, I can not just relax for a night without my past flooding my mind. All the mistakes I have made, and all of the friends I have lost. Through all of those images, I always find a way to bring my favorite picture to the center. A picture of me and him. We looked so happy, so together, and I can’t help but to always remember my first love… I am on my way to New Jersey, and apparently my new home. You see, my dad is a business man and he got this offer that he says is, “Once in a life time opportunity.” Yeah, a once in a life time opportunity to completely ruin my life. I worked hard to become well liked in North Carolina, and now I have to start all over again in this place called Howell High School. What kind of name for a high school is that? “ Oh gosh, this place is packed!” I said as we pulled into Howell. “ How could anyone want to live somewhere that barley has enough room to breathe?” My father looked at me through the rear view mirror and by the intensity of his eyes, I could tell that he was not in the mood for my daily complaining. The bumps in the street almost made me spill my ice tea everywhere. As we turned left on to my street, I couldn’t help but to notice all of the teenagers, about my age, standing around on each side of the road. I think they noticed that I was the new neighbor because every single one of them swirled around to stare at my car. They did not look like the nicest kids, but who am I to judge. The moving car behind us was huge. My mother insisted on bringing almost all of the furniture that we kept in our old house. We pulled up to our new home, and I remember thinking that it was going to be awful, but in reality, it was beautiful. It was an eggshell white, with cranberry colored shutters and a door to match. It had four long white beams coming down. The porch was a design of light tan colored bricks placed together, and there was a white wooden bench just sitting there to complete amazing beauty of the house. Around the house there were pink, yellow, and white flowers, surrounded by small rounded bushes. On the end of the house there was a tall tree with extremely white flowers growing on it. BTW! NEW JERSEY IS WHERE ITS AT!!! home forever baby!!!!

Public Comments

1. It's really good, and I would only fix one thing. There is little to no transistion between your 1st and 2nd paragraph. I would either add on the the 1st paragraph and make it an introduction, then have the actual story after it, or relate the 2 paragraphs somehow. I love how you describe things with detail! Try to put a few more paragraph breaks in the 3rd paragraph. I love your writing, it's so descriptive! I am also a 14 year old writer. Here is a sample of my writing, if you want to check it out sometime: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqwXxUcna9MY416VV95uztkjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20090420155754AADfLkQ If you have anymore of your story, I would love to read it!
2. i think it is really good and i would deffo wanna read more im a 13 year old writer (14 tomorrow) and i think it is very descriptive