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My wife is having an affair. What should I do?

I just found out my wife is having an affair after a friend saw her kissing him during a date at a restaurant. It wasn’t long (since February 19, 2009 she says). I’m just devastated, angry, jealous-I feel so betrayed. I never expected her to do this. We’ve been best friends for years but we’ve only been married for a little over a year (we wed December 3, 2007) I really believe she is apologetic. She literally had a panic attack when I confronted her. She said she was sorry and that she was just an idealistic dreamer (what does that have to do with it?) and that she has become spoiled, take my efforts for granted and has unrealistic expectations. She told me that it wasn’t because I was doing anything wrong. She told me I was her beautiful, romantic, chivalrous gentleman and her white knight and ray of sunshine but that she married me for the wrong reasons. She said she married me because 1) I was in love her and she was flatted and it felt so romantic and she loved that I loved her and she was afraid she would never find anyone who loved her that much again. 2) She had just broken up with a very abusive boyfriend (who she was with for four years) 6 months prior and she wanted to be rescued and wanted safety, security, and stability. 3) She wanted to be married. She wanted a fairy tale romance and she wanted to be Martha Stewart/Bree VandeKamp/June Cleaver/Donna Reed etc. But after she got that and the honeymoon phase ended she felt dissatisfied and started having an affair with the guy who used to be her English professor. The dude is 24 years older than her (she’s 27, he’s 51) but she feels they have more in common (literature, cinema, the arts, cooking, music, interior design) and apparently the affair wasn’t just about sex but them going together to the opera, museums, classical music concerts, the theater, antiquing, wine tasting, outdoor cafes or staying in and cooking dinner together. He’s like her secret second husband that she has been seeing and sleeping with pretty much every week! I want her to stop seeing him and she agreed but she wants to remain friends with him and I don’t want her to do that. The guy thinks he’s fallen in love with her. But she says she cares about him too much to just push him out of her life. So I asked her if she would rather have him than me and she said she didn’t want a divorce because she needs me. I’m emotionally exhausted but I still adore her and love her and I want to forgive her but I don’t know how I can trust her. How we can salvage our relationship if the only reasons she is with me is because I love her and offer her safety, security, stability and the change to be a retro housewife? We are already attending couples therapy. I’m having a tough time dealing with this. Is this relationship worth saving? What should I do? not sure if it's important but my wife has mixed anxiety-depressive disorder and obsessive–compulsive personality disorder ricky, I doubt it. I knew her ex and he really was a total psychopath. She was not crying wolf at all. And no, her professor is single. He's a widower. to answer whoever asked I didn't notice because I work 60 to 70 hours a week now because of the recession. and I did know that those were her hobbies and I did take part in them with her when I could but probably didn't enjoy them as much as her... boyfriend btw I'm older than my wife. She's 27 and I just turned 33 last month McLovin...not cool I have not intention of "getting back" at my wife by cheating as well. I don't just hook up with people and I would never intentionally cause her emotional pain. I'll be the first to admit she shattered me and she may be flawed but she's not evil and I'm not looking for revenge. I really do want to see if it is at all possible to forgive her and heal our relationship. I really don't think he's getting tired of her any time soon. He's wanted for nine years. Pretty much since the first day she took his class. He wants to marry her. Seriously. His wife died years ago and he wants a young wife because he doesn't want to bury another wife. He is grooming my wife to be his wife.

Public Comments

Do you think she is happy with you relationship?? Can you say that you will able to trust her again and can you forgive her?? Those are the questions you will need to answer. To me this sounds like its already over. Has she sat down with you before this and talked to you about being unhappy and what was wrong if not then she didnt even give you a chance!
i don't think your relationship is worth saving i think she has already pushed you out of her life and wants to be with the other man. it sounds like you are a very intelligent young man and you need some one to share all of your interests and desires with i say let her go her separate way and you concentrate on you and finding your perfect match.
There is absolutely NO way to salvage this relationship unless he is 100% completely out of the picture. NO contact at all. This is a full-blown emotional and sexual affair that has been going on for some time. The fact that she thinks she has the right to still be friends with this man is asinine. She may be too involved to be able to end it. In which case I would tell her she's made her choice. She doesn't get you both and she can pack her bags. You deserve way more than that.
You should go find a super hot broad and get busy with her on your marriage bed. Then make sure that hot broad leaves her panties behind.....that'll be sure to piss off your cheating wifey.
Of course it's not worth saving, have some dignity and respect for yourself. step up to the plate and be a man and not a doormat, why on earth would you allow anyone to treat you like that? Aren't you worth something? Love is a two way thing not just one way, this women is not in love with you and has no respect for you and will be using you as long as you let her, you deserve someone who will love you and respect you, dump her ASAP! Women with disorders use them to their advantage to abuse people and get away with it
You need to be happy that she was honest with you about her feelings. I know it does not help but most spouses that cheat blame their partner or other factors rather than themselves. You need to get a divorce for the reasons she gave you for getting married. She married you on a rebound but she will never love you the way a wife should. This is better for both of you and if it is not him it will be someone else. The only other thing that surprises me is that if she has been doing all this with him how did you miss it. Also if you want to try to save it you need to try to develop an interest in what she likes. You also need to see if this professor is married maybe that will end there relationship. Lots of ideas you just need to be realistic about this and not let your love for her cloud your decision to do what is best overall
YADA YADA, Dude in 6 months she will be accusing you of abusing her. I bet your life on it. Those so-called abused women, that's the SIGN you don't even bang them. You don't call them and you don't marry them. $1000 bet, Ms. Headcase goes around and accuses you of abusing her after she destroys the marriage. Keep being a nice guy. The nutjobs love the door mat types. Your a push over. Learn your lesson. Find a woman with a few less mental illnesses if that possible. Let me B&tch slap some sense into ya. If she has all these mental problems do you think maybe she was the cause of her last failed relationship. You never heard his side. OPEN YOUR EYES. Son, these type of women can smell a nice guy a mile away. They play the wounded sparrow and you bit like a fish. You feel like a man, giving her comfort, protection, security and she turns around and screws you over. WAKE UP.
I think u deserve someone better. Yeah maybe she did have the reasons to do it. But think about it she already told you why she is with u. She dosent really like you emotionally. You need someone who is going to like you for WHO YOU ARE not for WHAT YOU HAVE material is what im talking about. Im not saying to leave her we all do mistakes and do deserve secong chances maybe she does regret it, maybe she dosent, you never know. Dont give up finish your guys therapy and see what happens before you say bye try everything.
I can only tell you what I would do. I would get rid of her now. You may think you love her but this isn't likely to end. It's easy to love someone but if you can trust them it will never work. You will always wonder where she is when she walks out that door. Good Luck.
She doesn't love you. Read again what you wrote about why she said she married you: it all has to do with what you did for HER; there was no consideration of you or the fact that SHE didn't love you, she just wanted you 'cause you loved HER. It's selfish and it's wrong and you're letting it happen. If she had such a panic attack when you confronted her and if she is so remorseful, how can she at the same time ask that you be okay with them still being friends! She's treating you like a doormat. Time to find someone who respects you and looks up to you. Let him have her if they have so much culture in common. You can do better.
Your wife's mental health issues are NOT the issue here. She is one very self-centered young woman. She doesn't want a divorce because she needs you? OMG! She wants to stay "friends" (with privileges?) with this professor? Honey, you are being taken for a very bad ride by your wife. You love her, sure.... but she doesn't love you. You are her stable rock while she goes out and screws around with her lover. She knows she can come back to you because you don't have the courage to divorce her. You can forgive her if you want, but keep in mind she is going to continue with her self-serving behavior. I don't believe I would stay with aq partner who was doing this. If you choose to stay with her, be prepared to find out she is still seeing him or perhaps has taken a different lover. I wish you well.
ok - you say it's not important but your wife has some complications. Like obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. That is very important. She is just not stable. This is a complicated situation. Obviously, she found what was lacking in your relationship. She has a lot in common with this guy (probably things you didn't even know interested her). They have mutual interests that she never experienced with you. It may also be a father figure type of relationship. She is not stable and disciplined enough to stop herself. I think you are addicted to her vulnerability and unpredictability. You may love her but I don't think you could trust her again. You likely want to believe her and help her, but it's making your head swim. I'd say find a less complicated woman. This gal is very immature and not loyal. Sorry!
I will give you my example and you can do with it as you please. I was married to my first wife for 37 years. Along around the 30th year I found out that she had had multiple affairs back early in our marriage. It like to killed me just as I know this is you but because it had been so many years before and with the help of counseling we went on. Now then at the 37th year partly do to our circumstances at that time she began having another on. That was it I soon begin to divorce her. For the most part she had the same problem your wife has. She loved me but more like a brother and she needed my financial support. When that was no longer a factor she felt free to do what she wanted to do. She actually told me that this man was the first true love she thought she ever experienced. In her stupor over that she told me as though I was just a friend that had no interest in the matter. I am sorry to tell you but what she has told you is that she does not or has never really loved you as she should. Her fantasy with this other man will not go away and you do an excellent job of describing that fantasy. I can also tell you that even if you are able to work this out you will never ever be able to trust her again. You may try but it will always be there and when she is not where she should be you will never be over the idea it is with someone else. You really need to move on and eventually find a woman you know you can trust. I did and I am so very happy I did.
Sounds like your wife is using you for a free ride. Leave her, a cheater once will do it again!
As painful as it might be maybe its time to move on and seperate yourself from her for awhile. She will obviously be taken care of by her boy friend. Pretty much she would like both of you in her world. So unless your willing to share its pretty much over. If in her mind she justifies such a relationship then it will never stop in her mind. Good Luck dude. Hurts like hell but be firm and move on.
i know exactly how you feel, i recently found my husband of 24 years had a long affair in 2008, he used her for sex and she used him for a green card [which of course she din't get]. i am devestated. that older guy is charming her for all shes worth, he knows how to play her like a fiddle. especially because she has all these disorders in her mind. i am also having a very tough time, please speak to a pastor, somebody at a bible preaching church. i don't think she would rather have him, he just knows how to control her. trust me, he is jealous of your age, your stamina, your youth. draw closer to God, to Jesus, God is ALWAYS on the side of marital fidelity.
In the end you have 2 choices: A. divorce B. get used to her affairs See www.cuckoldplace.com
You're a young man and deserve more. Let her move on and put her things outside your home. Rent a truck tomorrow and pack up her things. She's sealed her fate and you'll never have her completely. She's simply not yours alone and won't be as long as this guy is around. Leave the crying and past dreams in the trailer with her things. It's simple...she left awhile ago and wasn't decent enough to be straight with you. Now it's time to hand her off and look for a gal who will love you and be true in all ways. Good luck
wow what a dilemma! Im so sorry this happened to you! Im all about marriage and hate to see them end, but your whole relationship/marriage is based on lies and misconceptions. You deserve better than this and if she wants to be a retro housewife let her marry her old boyfriend! You may think that you are in love with her and you need her but im afraid you will never be happy if you stay with her. You cant trust her and her staying "friends" with this guy is out out out of the question!! Im sorry sweetie...its time to end this.
Have you tried hitting her?
I agree with Georgio- Tit for tat. She deserves nothing less. Move on. Have respect for yourself. She is not worth a second glance
the reasons she married you were really selfish. not very good reasons to stay in the marriage either. i'm really sorry to say this but you should leave her. run as far away as possible. seems like she has some self destructive tendencies. she can't let herself stay happy and secure. she had to spoil this and hurt the only guy who loves her so deeply. probably she has some childhood issues. you on the other hand sound like the kind of dad she needed when she was a baby girl. but its so unfair with you. the least she could do in return for you, was to love you back half as much as you love her and be faithful to you. tell her you think its best for her to be with that older guy. tell her, instead of having him as a friend in her life, you can be her friend and he can be the (poor) husband. plz remember, although these are very tough times for you but you are actually the lucky one and she is unlucky. very unlucky. because You have a tendency to Love, few months or years down the road you will find someone who'd love you and you'd love her. but your wife has a TENDENCY TO CHEAT. and she will cheat the next guy in her life. and the one after and then another and then another. until she ends up lonely and miserable. and she'll always always feel empty and she'll always feel like a failure. so she's the one who's losing a great guy. you're the lucky one coz you r getting rid of the biggest trouble in your life. you deserve to be happy.you deserve a sincere spouse who'd love you unconditionally. i'm really sorry to say this but i think you should leave her. or make her read all these answers and tell her how hard it is going to be for you to forgive her. and that she'll have to make it up to you. years down the road, she'll be left with nothing but regrets. if you decide to stay with her, stay with her on your terms and don't let her use you or cheat on you and get away with it again. gud luck!
she probably does love u, but sometimes the chemical reaction one gets from an affair is just too much for someone to avoid, they like how it feels, the excitement of it. it is a character flaw, but only u can decide what your going to do, sometimes when a woman is immature she will do this, she feels flattered by the attention the other man gives her, but it doesn't help the man she is married to.
hey buddy, have to agree with everyone elses answer. It's over, carry on with your life, there is someone out there that will appreciate you. My ex-wife cheated on me, I know how you feel, It will get easier over time. Don't prolong it, end it now. Oh and one more thing, the old guy will dump her as soon as he's sick of her crap, she'll come to you for comfort, tell you she made a mistake, don't give in, carry on my brother, GOOD LUCK.....
Are you for real, in your whole statement not once did you say she loved you. Love, Honesty, Caring and Respect that is what a marriage is, I did not read any of that on her part. Cry a little now or a lot later but I am sorry to say you are going to cry. You know real love because you have it for her she is not giving it to you. So the answer is in my opinion is run as fast as you can, one sided love never works. God luck and God bless.