Natwerk Designs

Another one...what do you think of this one?

Story im not planning on adding on to but I want to know what you think anyways lol. constructive criticism please?? ( btw thank you to all who does this for me tho i prolly annoy the heck out of you by posting sections of stories online like everyday!!! ) All was dark and quiet around the homes on Margent, Boulevard. The only source of light was the street lights that stood beside the small black road, illuminating the cars parked alongside it. Everyone was fast asleep except for one fifteen year old girl named Anastasia Obrien. She sat up in her bed, startled by a sudden small sound, the sound of a door creaking open. She reached over and turned on her desk lamp, quickly looking around her bedroom for the source of noise. Her bedroom door was still tightly closed, and her window shut, curtains drawn. As she was about to get back into her bed, Anastasia noticed something laying on the surface of her desk that she couldn’t recall placing there. Walking over to it, she picked up the object and examined it closely. It appeared to be some sort of large, golden key, and it had a small design on the end of it that resembled a star. She ran her finger over the key, feeling the smooth texture on her skin. “What could this be?” she thought to herself, wondering if this was just some sort of odd dream. Setting the key back safely on her desk, she climbed back into her warm, cozy bed, deciding that she would further examine the key in the morning, when she would be more awake. Morning came and Anastasia arose from her bed, and got changed for school. Grabbing the key, she dropped it into her jeans pocket and went downstairs for breakfast. “Good-morning Anastasia,” welcomed Mrs. Obrien, setting a plate of eggs and toast on the table for her daughter. “Did you get a good night sleep last night? Your father told me that he had noticed your light was on around three in the morning.” Anastasia considered for a moment, telling her mother of the key she had discovered, but then chose otherwise. “Oh, I just had a bad dream that is all.” She replied, feeling slightly bad for telling her mother a lie. “Oh, okay. Well you had better hurry up before you are late for school!” exclaimed Mrs. Obrien. Anastasia finished her eggs and grabbed her jacket, for it was autumn in New York and the air was slightly chilly. The whole way to her school, Anastasia couldn’t help but to constantly stick her hand into her pocket to check that the key was still there. She had decided not to tell her mom about it because she feared that her parents would take away the key and turn it in to a lost and found. But she wanted to keep the key and show her best friend Jack for he always knew what to do. “Hello Jack,” Anastasia greeted a boy with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. “Hey, what’s that you have in your hand?” Jack asked, regarding the key which she was holding in her right hand. “Actually, I’m not exactly sure. I woke up and found it on my desk last night. It’s some sort of fancy key I guess.” She held out her hand so Jack could take a closer look at it. “That’s peculiar; you mean it just appeared on your desk? Did your mom or dad put it there by any chance?” “I wouldn’t think so, they didn’t mention anything about it and I don’t recall ever seeing it before.

Public Comments

1. Its good ,but I hoped it was going to be more about Ivory.
2. Wow that is fantastic! I have writen a story similar to yours but more sad and deppressing. Keep writing, it sounds great!
3. i think it is a great start to a story!! the only thing i would like to ask you is...what year is it that you are writing in, because the dialogue seems a little old fashioned. like....circa....1940s england. so, if that's what you were going for, GREAT JOB!!, if not, maybe try updating a few words and phrases. :)
4. First, no comma between Margent & Boulevard. Names don't fit--Anastasia is Russian & O'Brien (notice spelling) is Irish. Get a book of baby names & try to get a better match. Separate paragraphs with indentations on a new line. Also use a new paragraph when someone talks. Regarding the streetlights, why not "streetlights stood as sentinels along the asphalt street, guarding those few cars lining it." That still bothers me--the cars, I mean, because boulevard usually denotes an upper end neighborhood--the kind that has a tree-lined median dividing the street into one ways. You have a tendency to be wordy (so do I). Parse your sentences down. "She was startled by the creaking of her bedroom door opening. She turned on her nightstand lamp to see who--or what--was there." You can't have the desk next to the bed because then there's no reason for her to get out of bed. "Thinking it was her overly active imagination intruding on her sleep, A put the key back on the desk & climbed into bed." "Morning came & A completed her usual morning routine to get ready for school." If the father were up & saw her light, why didn't he check on her? Her mother is too blase about A having a nightmare. Most mothers would cross-examine them. You could say something like, "Some instinct told A to remain quiet about the key." Then something along the lines saying to her Mom "I don't even remember what it was about. It must have been nothing." Make it early autumn & the air was crisp. Delete the sentence about her parents turning the key in. Who would they give it to--the police? "She hated keeping secrets from her Mom, but she had to solve the mystery of the key herself." Redundant--fancy key-it's -obvious it's a key. Use stylized or one that seemed to give off the faintest of vibrations. Have Jack ask "What's that key in your hand?" New paragraph where she succintly tells him about finding it. It has potential, but right now it's kind of boring. I'm not trying to be harsh. It would have more appeal if she had heard noises every night for a week or so prior to finding the key. The entire time I read it I thought it would make a great children's story for St. Patrick's Day if the key belonged to a leprachaun. She turned on the light & he had to hide in her closet, accidentally leaving the key behind.